I accidentally deleted the CORRECT version of this blogpost and I can’t get it bacK. So this is a not corrected version. No time right now to work on it again to have it as I wanted. But here is something — I have to learn to let go anyways, and try to let go of perfectionist tendencies.
It snowed today. And it reminded me of something I once read: that people in Belgium like to bond over their malheurs* and the weather.
(*their unfortune)
Collective nagging, just like gossip, a social necessity to bond, in order to process life ~ will transcend language and any culture barriers here. And I really felt that today, on my way
to work.
All crammed in a damped tramway, one person kept standing in the middle of the carrier instead of moving through; a child kept weeping out loud; I bumped into people with my bike; we were pushed, too hot inside, to close to each other, yet we all nodded, smiled, acknowledging, and incredibly patient with each other — despite our annoyances to one another.
Those little moments make me love it here.
“Snow is falling. How could we be mad at eachother? ”
Right after the doors closed, the new passengers have found their seat, their bar to hold, the balance on their feet, we look outside the window.
Some nostalgic, remembering how snow used to be only a joy, and never nuisance.
Partly impatient for it to melt, partly hoping it stays - until the working day is over, at least.
“Be careful biking outisde!” these old ladies shouted at me.
“It’s very slippery!”
“I will!”, I shouted while going out.
“Have a good day!”
“You too!”
On my bike, on my way somewhere else. I see a woman stepping out of a black car, close to Bruxelles Nord. High heels, morning, ponytail high up. The car drives away, she walks in her own scene. I capture the image in my head, this is how it translates in a drawing.
Coming home, energized form the cold, I fall asleep uncontrollably.
Today and the last weeks, i feel physically and mentally not great. My ADHD flares up, I have no control on what I do. I cannot even physically focus my eyes, the same way a camera wants to sharpen on a detail, but fails.
And I’m not even talking about trying to focus on a book or working on a computer — I am not physically able to focus on the food on my plate as my gaze just wanders into a non-existing horizon.
Despite these moments, I thank nothing less than my self for having the determination to actually quit my addiction to scrolling.
If you have been in loopholes and doomscroll spirals, sometimes days after days, and felt like Instgram was your crack at dawn and night, you know how hard it is to quit.
The fact I didn’t doomscroll for now more than 2 months is, without a joke, my biggest achievement in the past years.
I really used to fall in deep ADHD ravines. I would waste at least 3 days a month simply scrolling. That sounds like a lot now, 3 full 24hours day, spent watching 7 seconds videos of strangers?
Here’s the math:
• Scroll 15min the morning,
• Scroll 15min during your first break at work
• Scroll 5 minutes through out the rest of your work day here and there, adding 25minutes.
• Coming back home after work, scroll 30minutes.
• Scroll 30 minutes before sleeping (often it’s more).
That’s minimum 2 hours a day scrolling.
• 2 hours x 7 days a week = 14hours a week.
14 hours x 4 weeks = 56hours a month.
This equals to 2,33 days.
That’s 2,33 days x 12 (months) =
28 days a year.
That’s a total amount of a full month per year spent on scrolling.
And that’s just a calculation of my Instagram screentime…
I’m saying this because, despite having a new phase of uncontrollable ADHD symptoms, the compulsive dopamine hunt goes into MAKING. ART. And not. Watching. Videos of These Amazon Must Haves For Your Shower Are Scams videos.
After so much years, I am not frozen in my chair for 2 hours of compulsive scrolling and I am incredibly relieved.
Instead of scrolling, I now make art!
